President Trump’s first months in office have been turbulent to say the least. However, it turns out much of his second term’s tumult isn’t due to policy, but a major distraction in Trump’s personal life that’s been costing him a good night’s rest: The ghost of Gilbert Gottfried has been haunting President Trump at night as punishment for firing him on season 14 of The Apprentice.
This is the last thing America needs right now. How can our President lead the country when Gilbert Gottfried’s specter won’t let him sleep at night?!
According to White House insiders, President Trump hasn’t gone one night since his return to the Oval Office without the ghost of deceased comedian Gilbert Gottfried waking him up and complaining about being the third person fired on the seventh celebrity edition of The Apprentice. Sources close to POTUS are reportedly concerned about the toll Gottfried’s ghost is taking on President Trump, who’s arriving to morning debriefings sleep deprived and unable to focus on any topic of discussion outside of “whether he made the right choice to fire Gilbert instead of Terrell Owens or Geraldo Rivera.”
“He storms around my bed yelling ‘WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!’ in that shrill voice of his, and he doesn’t stop until sunrise,” President Trump reportedly confided to an aide, his sleepless eyes full of genuine regret as he explained that no matter how many times he apologizes to Gilbert’s ghost, Gilbert simply huffs and declares the apology too little too late, and then continues complaining about how rude it was to fire him.
Earlier today, in response to White House press questions about his threats to cut Social Security Disability Insurance, President Trump elaborated on the distraction Gilbert Gottfried’s ghost is causing:
“Last night, just when I was about to fall asleep, Gilbert’s spirit shouted ‘YOU TREATED ME LIKE CHOPPED LIVER ON THE APPRENTICE! YOU FIRED ME RIGHT AFTER KEVIN JONAS AND LONG BEFORE KATE GOSSELIN!’ I told Gilbert he made inappropriate sexual jokes during a business meeting, and that he gave me no choice, but he wouldn’t have it. ‘YOU DID HAVE A CHOICE! AND YOU FIRED ME! YOU THOUGHT I’D FORGET?! YOU CAN NEVER MAKE THIS RIGHT!’ He said there’s nothing I can do to fix this and make him stop haunting me. He’s being so unreasonable. I think Gilbert wants me to kill myself. I really, really do.”
“Am I a bad person for firing Gilbert? I’ve fired so many people over the years…are their ghosts going to haunt me too?” President Trump later asked an aide in a rare moment of vulnerability, while absent-mindedly approving a military advisor’s proposal to launch a nuclear attack on China.
Ugh. What a terrible time for the leader of the free world to be haunted by Gilbert Gottfried’s spirit.
Well, this does not bode well for our country. Hopefully President Trump can find a way to atone for his sin of firing Gilbert, because his attention is desperately needed on much more important issues right now!